what can i say?

what can i say....i sincerely apologize for not following through with this site. i hope that someone is still out there checking on us.

december.....jared's bday was last week. our 2nd annual toy drive for childrens hospital, oakland once again took the place of a bday party. my sadness is overwhelming.
december.....xmas is coming quickly. my body can feel the sinking feeling that comes with another holiday without my beautiful baby. little things like decorating the tree brought more sadness. i often wonder if it is worth it. david and i continue on because of allen-david. he is our reason for surviving at this point.

jared's life was/is the most amazing thing that i can ever give the earthly world. i cant imagine that anything i ever do from here on out will be quite as important as that major contribution. if my sole purpose is to have brought him into this world and made some feeble attempt at guiding him out. only to keep his name alive in anyone who will listen than i have done much.
jared, as many of the children i have had the pleasure of meeting and then the sadness of mourning, did more for the adults in his life than we could have ever done for eachother.

this holiday i ask you to remember these children. remember all of the things that they taught you about love...about sacrifice...about joy. it is not about how long our life is, but how we spent that length of time.

riannon
angel jay's momma

jared - it has been a while since i have brought myself to this site, but you know that i speak to you often. i will continue to talk to you any chance that i get. you are still one of my guiding lights.
i miss you everyday..with your tight hugs and your pursed kisses. i miss tickling you and watching daddy "sniff" your neck. please continue to watch over daddy. he is so lost without you in his life. he is not sure if you are here with us at all, and regardless of all my convincing he is still unsure.
allen-david is holding the fort for you. he is still giving us a run for our money. i know that he is having a hard time with the upcoming holiday without his bro. please visit him in his dreams. he could use a little playtime with you right now.
we all love you dearly. you are always in our thoughts and prayers.
my heart is always yours.....momma

one year down

in the weeks that now lay behind us our family has experienced two overwhelming hurdles...the one year anniversary of jared's death, and the celebrations of halloween and day of the dead.
i cant say that one was easier than the other or that after one year without jared it is easier in any way. as many parents say..by the first anniversary our healing is only now beginning.

_during the second year parents begin to feel a shift in awareness. they feel, to a degree that they have not experienced before, the utter finality of their loss. all that you lose when your child dies is simply too much to take in at one time.
as time unfolds after your child death, you realize that you will never again be your old self. that self was forever changed when your child died. who you will be now, how you will live without your child in your life, will be the work of several years of sorting out.

el dia de los muertos (day of the dead) is a holiday celebrated by many hispanic and native american families. this is the day when the veil between our world and the world of the dead is very thin. on this day we set out alters for our beloved deceased and remember how wonderful it was (is) to have them in our lives.
i am posting this native american poem in honor of this celebration and in honor of jared's one year angel-date anniversary.....

do not stand at my grave and weep
i am not there, i do not sleep
i am a thousand winds that blow
i am the diamond glint on snow
i am the sunlight on ripened grain
i am the gentle autumn rain
when you wake in the morning hush
i am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circling flight
i am the soft starlight at night
do not stand at my grave and weep
i am not there, i do not sleep.

there is not time frame for grief. there is no right or wrong way to feel and express your sorrow. if at any time in your grief process you are thinking of suicide tell someone. hurting yourself is not the answer and will only bring more pain to those who love you.
be forgiving of yourself during this time. each day is a new day and should be treated as such.

jared - these last few weeks have been so very difficult for me...but i am sure you already know that. i am forever thinking about the would haves. i know that your life has been lived complete. i know that you are free now...from cancer and from this violent and sometimes ugly world. still...i miss you dearly and yearn to have you by my side. i will continue to have my little "talks" with you. thank you for playing "our songs" so consistently. my memories of you kisses get me through.
i love you--momma

true meaning

as we go continue on our journey without our children's physical presence beside us we sometimes wonder if there is meaning to all of this. questions come up in our lives like...who chose this path for me? and...why would god do this to me? it is sometimes difficult to accept that this is just the way that things are. regardless of who you believe chose to take your child from you, your child is gone. it matters not, the reasons or logic behind it. yet, still we need those reasons. and more than anything, we need to know that our children are "okay".
in the midst of all of this questioning we are also trying to rebuild some resemblance of a life for ourselves, our spouses and our other children.

in these two books fathers touch on the subject of meaning in our lives. both of their children died from leukemia..as did mine.

The Blood of the Lamb, by Peter De Vries
(based on the suffering and death of his twelve year old daughter, Carol, from leukemia)

"I believethat man must learn to live without those consolations called religious, which his own intelligence must by now have told him belong to the childhood of the race. Philosophy can really give us nothing permanent to believe either; it is too rich in answers, each canceling out the rest. The quest for Meaning is foredoomed. Human life 'means' nothing. But that is not to say that it is not worth living. What does a Debussy Arabesque 'mean', or a rainbow or a rose? A man delights in all of these, knowing himself to be no more-a wisp of music and a haze of dreams dissolving against the sun. Manhas only his own two feet to stand on, his own human trinity to see him through: Reason, Courage, and Grace. And the first plus the second equals the third."

Fireflies, by David Morrell
(a blend of fact and fantasy about the death of his fifteen-year-old son Matthew from cancer)

"When you lose a child, you search for some meaning, some justification, anything to ease your agony. You think about God and whether He exists and what kind of God would allow something so heinous as Matthew's death. You think about ultimates, about the point of existence and whether there's an afterlife and what it would be like. Would Matthew be waiting when his father, mother, and sister died? Would he be the same?
You question everything. You grasp at anything. To make sense of what seems to have no sense. To find meaning in what you despair might be the ultimate meaning: nothingness. You seek in all places, all cultures. You search in all philosophies and faiths.
Reincarnation? Plato believed in it. For that matter, a full half of the world's present population believes in it. In the East. As the theory goes, we struggle through various stages of existence, not always human, sometimes animal or even plant, rising until we've perfected our spirit sufficiently to abandon material existence and join forever in bliss with God.
A complicated but comforting belief. Because there's a point to life, a pay-off. Certainly it's easier to accept than the notion that God tortures us here on earth to punish us for our sins so we'll be happy with Him in Heaven. In that case, how do we explain the death of an infant, who couldn't possibly have sinned? Or the death of a fifteen-year-old boy, who by all accounts was remarkable and never harmed anyone?"
(Lator in the book, Morrell writes):
"I'm starting to believe in God and an afterlife. Because I need to. Because I so desperately want to see my son again. Believing in God gives me a hope. Can faith be far behind?"

Jared- i will continue looking for meaning everyday.
- momma

oops

oops. sorry, i posted the wrong site on my last entry... our team site is,
www.active.com/donate/ltnSanFr1/jaydog. please check it out!
riannon
angel jays momma

keeping jared alive

one thing that every bereaved parent needs is to know that people have not forgotten their child. there are many ways to make sure that no one forgets.
this october 16th, the leukemia/lymphoma society will host their light the night walk. we will be joining them as a team...TEAM JAYDOG!
everyday we remember jared's life...on this night we will remember jared's fight. his fight with cancer. a fight that many children (and adults) are still in the throws of.
please join us for this amazing event! if you would like to walk please email riannon at riannonkids@yahoo.com. we are asking that each walker raise $25 or more. if you cannot walk but would like to donate please check out the TEAM JAYDOG website at www.active.com/donations/fundraise/jaydog.
thank you for your continued support during our journey.

The Worst Loss, by Barbara D. Rosof
"Facing the finality, remembering, holding on and letting go, dealing with you personal sense of failure, building a life for yourself without your child: the work of grieving for your child is a long haul, work for a lifetime."

jared - we will never forget.
- momma

remembering connor

please check on connor's parents at www.caringbridge.org/ny/connors_page . sept. 16 was connor's one year angel date. we are thinking of them in this time of grief and sorrow.
i found this amazing book called, winter grief, summer grace, by james e. miller. this is a great book for a bereaved family that wants something short and sweet.
i post this section of the book in honor of connor's life and his wonderful parents courageous journey.

i have known the blessing of sharing time on earth with another,
one whom i have loved deeply.
i have been enriched by their life,
and i have felt diminished by their death.
i have lived it all:
the laughter and the tears,
the singing and the sighing,
the darkness and the light.
i have known how the world can change before your eyes
when you lose the one you love so much.
i have felt lonely and alone.
like so many others, i have been acquainted with grief.
like so many others, i have been taught the mysterious lessons of mourning.

i have learned that as i release my hold, something will always remain,
that as i bid farewell, someone will always abide.
i have learned that love does not end- not even with death;
it continues to express itself in ways ever new.
i have learned when i am most afraid, the promise of god [and goddess]comforts me,
when i am most fragile, the hand of god[and goddess] upholds me.
i have begun to see that, however much i did not wish for this loss,
my time of losing can also be a time of gaining.
for i can come to understand and appreciate life as i never have before.
i can experience and cherish growth as i would not otherwise do.
i can share what i have in ways that might not otherwise be possible.
i am learning to see the ways in which i have been blessed
by the god [and goddess] who ha[ve] walked with me through the grief of winter
and who accompany me into the grace of summer's new life.

connor- we think of you daily and know that you, jared and the other children run among wildflowers today and until rebirth.

riannon, angel jays momma

momma, daddy, and allen-david at jared's remembrance service, 2004. 

day one

Thank you for your continued support. Those of you following me from site to site please know that this one is temporary. Getting a site set up is a little more complicated than i thought. For now, blogspot will do.
We are getting through day to day. We would like for this site to be for all parents that are doing so. I will post weekly with new info i can get my hands on. All info will be on copig strategies and getting through after the death of a child. please check back at the end of each week.